BEOWULF: The Musical
by HealthyShadeOfGreen
Summary: My Unit Project for Beowulf. I wrote BEOWULF: The Musical. Pretty much a parody of a lot of things. I don't own anything, except my own script.


BEOWULF:

The Musical

(Based on the Anglo-Saxon poem, Beowulf)

Book and (most) lyrics by Dee

Disclaimer: I do not own Beowulf, any of the characters, The Producers, Phantom of the Opera, Beauty and the Beast, RENT, Legally Blonde, The Wizard of Oz, Aida, Hairspray, Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Deamcoat, Shrek the Musical, or Wicked.

Musical Numbers

**ACT I**

1. Springtime for Hrothgar sung by the Danes and Hrothgar

("Springtime for Hitler" from _The Producers)_

2. Massacre sung by Grendel and Dane Warriors

("Masquerade" from _The Phantom of the Opera_)

3. Beowulf sung by the Geats and Beowulf

("Belle" from Disney's _Beauty and the Beast_)

4. Message sung by Dane Messenger

("Voice Mail # 4" from _RENT_)

5. Loyalty sung by Higlac, Geat Warriors, and

("Positive" from _Legally Blonde: The Musical_) Beowulf

6. Massacre (reprise) sung by Grendel's Mother

("Masquerade (reprise)" from _The Phantom of the Opera_)

7. Ding, Dong, the Grendel's Dead sung by All Warriors

("Ding, Dong, the Witch is Dead" from _The Wizard of Oz_)

8. Fortune Favors the Brave sung by Hrothgar, Dane Warriors,

("Fortune Favors the Brave" from _Aida_) Beowulf, Geat Warriors, and Higlac

**ACT II**

9. Beowulf is the Best sung by Geats, Beowulf and Wiglaf

("Good Morning, Baltimore" from _Hairspray_)

10. Who Stole the Cup? sung by the Dragon and Geat ("Who's the Thief?" from _Joseph and the Amazing _villagers

_ Technicolor Dreamcoat_)

11. Geat Pot Pie sung by the Dragon

("Donkey Pot Pie" from _Shrek The Musical_)

12. Loyalty (reprise) sung by Wiglaf

("Positive" from _Legally Blonde: The Musical_)

13. Finale sung by Ensemble

("Finale" from _Wicked_)

_**ACT I**_

**Scene 1 – Prologue/Grendel's Attack**

"Springtime for Hrothgar"

**DANES (CHORUS)**

SHILD, BEO, AND HEALFDANE ARE GONE,

WHAT A SAD, SAD STORY

WE DANES NEED A NEW LEADER TO KEEP UP

WITH ALL OUR GLORY

WHERE, OH, WHERE IS HE?

WHERE CAN THAT KING BE?

WE LOOKED AROUND, AND THEN WE FOUND

GOLD-FRIEND FOR YOU AND ME . . .

AND NOW IT'S . . .

SPRINGTIME FOR HROTHGAR AND THE DANES

DENMARK IS HAPPY AND GAY!

AS A REWARD HE'S BUILT HEROT

RIGHT HERE ON THIS VACANT LOT

SPRINGTIME FOR HROTHGAR AND THE DANES

HEROT WILL SHIELD US FROM THE COLD!

SPRING TIME FOR HROTHGAR AND THE DANES

**HROTHGAR**

THANKS TO YOU, DANES

HERE! HAVE SOME MORE GOLD...

_(HROTHGAR showers DANES with golden rings, cups, weapons, etc. The men rejoice and dance to the musical interlude – showing they are very noisy, very happy, and very drunk. GRENDEL enters, holding his head at all the noise.)_

**GRENDEL**

_(growling)_ What luck, to get such noisy neighbors! Can't a guy just live in his lake with his mom, with a bit of peace?

**GRENDEL'S MOTHER**

_(calling from offstage)_ Grendel! Just ask them to turn it down!

_(GRENDEL marches to Herot's doors. He knocks loudly. No answer. He knocks again. Still no answer. Finally he knocks so hard he busts the door open)_

**GRENDEL**

Ow! Jeez! A splinter! _(roars) _

_(DANES are frightened. GRENDEL picks one up)_

**GRENDEL**

Can you help me?! _(The DANES do not understand him. A frustrated GRENDEL carries him off)_

_(In the lake where GRENDEL lives.)_

**GRENDEL**

_(shaking the DANE) _Help me get this splinter out!! _(the DANE cowers in fear. Annoyed, GRENDEL attacks and eats him)_ Hmm, I'd never known Danes to taste so delicious!

**GRENDEL'S MOTHER**

_(offstage)_ Grendel! What are you doing?

**GRENDEL**

Nothing, Mom! _(aside)_ I'm gonna get me some more Danes!

_(This starts a montage of GRENDEL terrorizing DANES and eating them)_

"Massacre"

**GRENDEL**

MASSACRE! BLOODY ENTRAILS EVERYWHERE! MASSACRE!

RUN AWAY SO THE DANES WILL NEVER FIND YOU!

MASSACRE! HEROT NOW NEEDS TO BEWARE! MASSACRE!

LOOK AROUND – THERE'S ANOTHER DANE BEHIND YOU!

SNEAK AROUND, GRAB A MAN,

THEN RUN OUT, FAST AS YOU CAN. . .

THEN COME BACK, TERRORIZE,

SEE THE FEAR, IN THEIR EYES . . .

DINNER!

TAKE YOUR CLAW, TAKE A STAB AT THE PEOPLE RUNNING AROUND. . .

**DANE WARRIORS**

HE'S AN INHUMAN RACE. . .

**GRENDEL**

THEY WILL RUN, THEY CAN HIDE

SOME WILL FIGHT, MOST JUST CRY

SOME ARE TOUGH, SOME ARE NOT

EAT THEM UP, 'FORE THEY ROT!

DINNER!

DRINK IT IN, DRINK IT UP, 'TIL THEY'VE DROWNED

IN THE LAKE . . .

**DANE WARRIORS**

BURIAL GROUND!

BUT WHO CAN NAME THE FACE?

**RANDOM DANE**

It's Grendel!

**OTHER DANES**

Oh.

**GRENDEL**

MASSACRE! BEAR YOUR TEETH AND SEE THEIR FEAR! MASSACRE!

EAT YOU FILL – LET THE BLOOD AND GUTS SURROUND YOU!

MASSACRE! WATCH THEM TRY TO RUN FROM HERE! MASSACRE!

STOP AND STARE AT THE FRIGHTENED DANES AROUND YOU!

MASSACRE! TEARING MUSCLE, CRUNCHING BONE! MASSACRE!

RUN AND HIDE – BUT I WIL CRACK AND CHEW YOU!

MASSACRE! CHASE THEM FROM THEIR ONLY HOME! MASSACRE!

RUN AND HIDE – BUT I WILL STILL PURSUE YOU!

**Scene 2 – Beowulf**

"Beowulf"

**GEAT (CHORUS)**

LOOK, THERE HE GOES

THE BOY IS STRANGE, BUT SPECIAL

HE'S GOT THE STRENGTH OF THIRTY MEN

**MEN**

NEVER PART OF ANY CROWD

**GIRLS**

_(dreamily)_

BUT HE SHOULD BE ON A CLOUD...

**ALL**

AND ALL THE FIENDS AND DEMONS HE CONDEMS

**BRECCA**

Hey, Beowulf!

**BEOWULF**

Hello, Brecca!

**BRECCA**

Tide's high today! Are you ready?

**BEOWULF**

Brecca, I was born ready.

_(They march through the village to the sea. The GEATS follow to watch)_

**GEAT WOMAN #1**

NOW, IT'S NO WONDER THAT HIS NAME

MEANS "BEAR-WOLF"

HIS STRENGTH HAS GOT NO PARALLEL

**GEAT MAN #1**

AND HIS LOYALTY'S THE SAME

IT PUTS A LOT OF MEN TO SHAME

YES, HE'S A GREAT MAN AND A WARRIOR, HE'S SWELL!

**BEOWULF**

_(to BRECCA)_

OHHHHH, ISN'T THIS AMAZING?

THE WHOLE TOWN HAS COME OUT TO SEE

OUR LI'L CHALLENGE, OUR CONTEST

TO FIND OUT WHICH OF US CAN SWIM FARTHER

OUT TO SEE

**GEAT (CHORUS)**

OFF THERE THEY GO, I WONDER HOW THEY DO IT

**GAMBLING MAN**

I BET 10 TO 1 ON BEOWULF

**GEAT WOMAN #2**

A STORM IS ROLLING IN,

**HERDRED**

I FEAR SO FOR MY KIN

**GEAT (CHORUS)**

_(to HERDRED)_

WHY SHOULD YOU?

YOU KNOW THAT HE'S BEOWULF!

_(BEOWULF and BRECCA continue their swimming contest. BRECCA starts to falter. BEOWULF notices and stay with him.)_

**BEOWULF**

C'mon, Brecca!

_(A storm kicks up. BEOWULF and BRECCA are separated. Sea monsters appear. BEOWULF fights them and wins. But BRECCA is nowhere to be found. BEOWULF must return home without him.)_

**BEOWULF**

_(somberly)_

Brecca was lost.

_(GEAT crowd sad for the lost BRECCA.)_

**Scene 3 – Help the Danes, Beowulf!**

_(Time has passed. A messenger comes forth.)_

"Messages"

**MESSENGER**

BEOWULF!

I AM HERTHRO,

FROM THE DANES

(THAT'S IN DENMARK)

ACROSS THE SEA.

WE HAVE A MONSTER

HE'S REALLY TERRIFYING,

EATING US!

WE REALLY NEED HELP,

YOU NEED MORE GLORY,

YOU KNOW YOU NEED GLORY

TAKE THE CHANCE

DON'T BE AFRAID OF FAME AND GLORY

BEOWULF – SELL US YOU SOUL . . .

JUST KIDDING!

BUT WE'RE WAITING . . .

**BEOWULF**

They need my help! Plus, I'm good at fighting monsters.

_(He approaches HIGLAC)_

**BEOWULF**

I must help the Danes, my lord!

**HIGLAC**

What, now?

**BEOWULF**

They're being terrorized by a horrific monster! He's eating them, dragging them into his lake; the Danish king, Hrothgar, has no idea what to do! His hall, Herot, stand empty, for twelve years now, for all his men have fled!

**HIGLAC**

That's terrible!

**BEOWULF**

I know, right? I believe I'm the only man who can help them. Can I go? Please? Pretty please?

**HIGLAC**

Well, alright, but . . .

"Loyalty"

**HIGLAC**

BEOWULF, YOU MAKE SURE THAT

THOUGH YOU FIGHT THAT AWFUL BRAT

THE VIRTUE THAT YOU'RE VALUED AT

STAYS WITH YOU ALWAYS

REMAIN LOYAL TO YOUR KING

AND YOU'LL ALWAYS HAVE GOLD RINGS

YOU KNOW THAT LOYALTY'S THE THING

BECAUSE IT REALY PAYS!

**GEAT WARRIORS**

KEEP YOUR LOYALTY

**HIGLAC**

THOUGH YOU'RE THERE TO HELP THE DANES

**GEAT WARRIORS**

KEEP YOUR LOAYLTY

**HIGLAC**

AND BE PRECISELY SURE THAT YOU'RE NO SLAIN!

YOU CAN TAKE IT IN A FIGHT

YOU AND WE WILL REUNITE!

YOU KNOW I'M RIGHT

BE LOYAL!

Loyal, I say!

**BEOWULF**

Higlac, Higlac!

DON'T YOU BE ON ALERT

YOU KNOW I NEVER COULD DESERT

THE VERY THOUGHT IS SIMPLY ABSURD

AND I THOUGHT YOU KNEW ME

LOYAL, I'LL REMAIN TO YOU

THAT'S WHAT A WARRIOR MUST DO

I WILL RETURN HERE, YES, IT'S TRUE!

AND I QUITE AGREE THAT . . .

KEEPING LOYAL TO

MY KING, LORD, AND GOLD-FRIEND

BY KEEPING LOYAL TO

HIM, THROUGH THE RANKS I WILL ASCEND

IF YOU LET ME LEAVE TONIGHT

SOON WE ALL CAN REUNITE

YOU TRUST ME, RIGHT?

I'M LOYAL!

_(to audience)_

It's called comitatus!

**HIGLAC**

Okay, Beowulf you have proven yourself. Go help the Danes.

**BEOWULF**

Alright! C'mon, guys!

_(He gathers a group of GEAT WARRIORS. They set sail.)_

**Scene 4 – Geats and Danes**

_(GEATS are sailing toward the watch post.)_

**DANE GUARD**  
Halt! Who goes there?

**BEOWULF**

It is I, Beowulf, protector of the Geats! I have come to assist the Danes with their problem!

**DANE GUARD**

What, that Grendel problem? I don't think – _(a scuffle as he is shoved aside by HROTHGAR)_

**HROTHGAR**

Beowulf? Beowulf! You're here! Come in, come in! _(to the GUARD)_ You're fired._ (He climbs down and they all cross the stage – they are now in Herot, at a feast.)_ I'm so glad you're here! _(To his DANES)_ this kid is the best. I remember him from when he was just a tot. His dad, Edgetho, had a bit of uh, _trouble_, with the Wulfings. So him 'n Beowulf and the wife can and stayed with us a bit!

**BEOWULF**

_(gratefully)_

And payed off his wergild. Hopefully, I can repay that debt with the defeat of Grendel!

_(WARRIORS cheer)_

**UNFERTH**

_(slightly more than tipsy)_

Now, wait a minute . . . I don't think you're so great . . . I heard you lost to Brecca in that swimming contest!

**BEOWULF**

No, no, Unferth. You must have misheard. I _lost_ Brecca, not lost_ to_ him. And even if I 'lose' Grendel, and not defeat him, you still get the same outcome – he's gone!

_(WARRIORS cheer again)_

**HROTHGAR**

Beowulf, are you ready to fight Grendel?

**BEOWULF**

Uh, yeah, I'm pretty sure I'm ready.

**HROTHGAR**

He comes at night, when we're asleep. Be careful, Beowulf, he's incredibly strong.

**BEOWULF**

So am I!

**HROTHGAR**

And, how do you plan to fight him?

**BEOWULF**

Well, I figure I oughtta go easy on him. Level the playing ground. You say he fights without weapons?

**HROTHGAR**  
None. He just picks us up and eats us.

_(DANES murmur somber agreement)_

**BEOWULF**

Then I shall fight without weapons.

**UNFERTH**

_(muttering under his breath)_

Cuh-razy!

_(Night falls. WARRIORS and HROTHGAR sleep. BEOWULF stays up, waiting.)_

**GRENDEL**

_(almost humming)_

Massacre . . . bloody entrails – _(spies BEOWULF)_ Hello, change of food.

**BEOWULF**

My name is Beowulf. You kill the Danes. Prepare to die.

_(A fight begins. BEOWULF and GRENDEL wrestle insanely. BEOWULF pulls GRENDEL into a half-nelson.)_

**BEOWULF**

Say uncle! Say uncle!

_(GRENDEL growls. He pulls away, but BEOWULF still has his arm. This begins a bizarre type of _

_tug-o-war. Suddenly GRENDEL'S arm is ripped off.)_

**GRENDEL**

OW!!!! JEEZ! UNCLE!!

_(BEOWULF takes GRENDEL'S disembodied arm and chases him out of Herot. GRENDEL retreats to his lake. BEOWULF returns to Herot, holding GRENDEL'S arm aloft.)_

**BEOWULF**

How d'ya like them apples!?

**Scene 4 – Rejoice!**

_(All cheer. HROTHGAR enters, standing at the top of the stairway, staring at GRENDEL'S great claw swinging from BEOWULF'S hands.)_

**HROTHGAR**

Let the joyous news be spread,

The wicked Grendel at last is dead!

"Ding, Dong, The Grendel's Dead"

**ALL WARRIORS**

DING DONG, THE GRENDEL'S DEAD

HE'S GONE BACK TO THE LAKE BED

DING DONG THE EVIL GRENDEL'S DEAD

WAKE UP – SLEEPY HEAD, RUB YOUR EYES, GET OUT OF BED

WAKE UP, THE HEINOUS GRENDEL IS DEAD.

HE'S GONE WHERE THE GOBLINS GO,

BELOW-BELOW-BELOW. YO-HO, LET'S OPEN UP AND SING AND RING THE BELLS OUT.

DING DONG THE MERRY-O, SING IT HIGH, SING IT LOW.

LET THEM KNOW

THE VICIOUS GRENDEL IS DEAD!

**HROTHGAR**

_(holding the disembodied GRENDEL arm)_

Dude . . . this is totally awesome. Wicked . . . We should keep it! I mean wouldn't this just look awesome hanging over our table . . . man . . .

**GEAT WARRIOR**

Ehm.

**HROTHGAR**

Uh . . . I mean. Yes, Beowulf, you have given me great joy by defeating the monster, I shall recognize this valor by hanging its arm in the hall forever more, so that all my progeny may come to know your valor just as I do.

**BEOWULF**

. . . Yeah!!

_(RANDOM WARRIOR whispers in BEOWULF'S ear. BEOWULF now understands what HROTHGAR was saying.)_

**BEOWULF**

Oh, yeah, totally. Awesome. Right on. _(BEOWULF snaps, claps, points at HROTHGAR)_

**HROTHGAR**

And, in recognition of your deeds, I shall give you these boons. I shall make you as my own son, and give you a gift of eight horses, with golden bridals and saddles, a golden banner, a helmet, a coat of mail, and ancient sword. These are the worthy rewards for one such as you.

**BEOWULF**

_(under his breath)_ I thought there'd be chicks . . .

**RANDOM WARRIOR**

Ehm!!!

**BEOWULF**

Oh, right! Thank you so much Hrothgar, I am unworthy of such praise . . . But I like the shiny . . . I'll take it!

**HROTHGAR**

We shall feast!!

**WARRIORS **

Hooray!!!

**Scene 5 – Grendel's Mother**

_(GRENDEL staggers into the underwater cave. His MOTHER sees him.)_

**GRENDEL'S MOTHER**

Grendel! What happened?

**GRENDEL**

Mom, I'm sorry . . . I've been lying to you. I've been eating Danes . . . they tasted . . . Mom, I . . . I . . . _(dies)_

**GRENDEL'S MOTHER**

Grendel! What have I told you?! With Danes, it's one minute on the lips, a lifetime on the hips! Grendel? Look at me when I'm talkin' to you. Grendel? Oh, no! He's dead!

"Massacre (reprise)"

**GRENDEL'S MOTHER**

_(holding GRENDEL in her arms)_

MASSACRE, BLOODY ENTRAILS EVERYWHERE

GRENDEL, I LOVE YOU . . .

I shall reap bloody revenge on the monstrous Danes who have taken my son from me!!

_(She exits, fuming.)_

**Scene 6 –** **Mother's Revenge**

_(WARRIORS still feasting. Soon they fall asleep.)_

**HROTHGAR**

Beowulf, you don't have to sleep with these common thanes. Come, let's give you a proper room_._

**BEOWULF**

Sure, I'm okay with that, the men'll be fine for one night without me.

**HROTHGAR**

Of course they'll be fine! Now that Grendel is dead, we have nothing to fear!

_(They exit, night falls, and GRENDEL'S MOTHER approaches Herot)_

**GRENDEL'S MOTHER**

And now, for a little revenge . . . oh, I missed the marauding business. Nice to be back on my game again!

_(She barges into Herot, grabs ESHER and GRENDEL'S arm, and moves to exit. Several DANES attempt to stop her, but to no avail. BEOWULF enters just as she leaves.)_

**HROTHGAR**

Was that Esher? What was that thing that took him? And the beast's arm is gone as well!

**BEOWULF**

It could only be Grendel's mother.

**HROTHGAR**

We must go after her . . . it? It. We must go after it, and avenge my friend!

**UNFERTH**

We shall go, Beowulf shall lead us.

**BEOWULF**

I will? I mean, I will!

_(BEOWULF, UNFERTH, and WARRIORS exit, the lake appears)_

**BEOWULF**

Um. Wow. That is disgusting. Snakes and . . . I don't even want to think about what that is.

_(ESHER'S head floats to the surface. WARRIORS scream like little girls, UNFERTH throws up, BEOWULF gags.)_

**BEOWULF**

That, is not a good sign.

**UNFERTH**

Agreed. You going in there?

**BEOWULF**

Yep. Got to.

**UNFERTH**

Take this. You'll probably need it. _(UNFERTH hands BEOWULF an ornate sword.)_

**BEOWULF**

Hrunting!

**UNFERTH**

Hrunting! Yeah, and be careful with it, it was my ancestors'.

**BEOWULF**

Here I go . . .

_(Beowulf dives into the lake, swims into GRENDEL'S MOTHER'S cave)_

**GRENDEL'S MOTHER**

What are YOU doing here?

**BEOWULF**

I have come to avenge the death of Esher!

**GRENDEL'S MOTHER**

Why do you care?

**BEOWULF**

Because. Because I do.

**GRENDEL'S MOTHER**

Yeah. Okay then. Let's do this, shall we?

**BEOWULF**

Bring it!!

_(They fight, Hrunting shatters)_

**GRENDEL'S MOTHER**

Whatcha gonna do now? Huh?

**BEOWULF**

That wasn't even mine!

_(GRENDEL'S MOTHER jumps BEOWULF. He spies a sword on the wall. It's a beautifully crafted giant sword. He grabs it and slices GRENDEL'S MOTHER'S head off. The blade of the sword disintegrates. Beowulf tucks the hilt in his belt.)_

**BEOWULF**

Yes! I am the man!

_(He crosses to where GRENDEL'S corpse lies, cuts off his head and takes it. Exits cave.)_

**Scene 7 – On the Shore**

_(ALL WARRIORS are sitting around waiting for BEOWULF'S hopeful return)_

**RANDOM DANE**

Well, this is boring . . .

**RANDOM GEAT**

Hey, our leader is in there! Show some respect!

**RANDOM DANE # 2**

_(to DANES)_

He's been in there a long time. I don't think he's comin' back. Let's go tell Hrothgar.

**GEATS**

Suit yourself._ (They settle in showing, that they are staying. DANES shrug and leave.)_

_(BEOWULF jumps out of the lake.)_

**BEOWULF**

That was harder on the way back.

**GEATS**

Beowulf! You're back! You're alive!

**RANDOM GEAT**

Hrothgar thinks you're dead! The Danes just left to tell him that!

**BEOWULF**

Then we'd better get back there quickly!

_(They run to Herot and find HROTHGAR who seems very surprised.)_

**HROTHGAR**

Beowulf! You're back! You're alive!

**GEAT WARRIORS**

That's what we said.

**BEOWULF**

_(holding GRENDEL'S head high.)_

And I have destroyed the evil completely!

_(All cheer.)_

**HIGLAC**

I can't thank you enough! How did you do it?

**BEOWULF**

I tried to use Hrunting, but the beast's skin was too tough. The blade shattered. _(to UNFERTH) _I'm sorry 'bout that, man. _(back to HROTHGAR)_ Then I spotted this amazing sword. So I grab it, right, and hack at the monster. Wham! Her head goes flying! Then I cut off Grendel's head, just to be safe.

**WARRIORS**

Wow.

**HIGLAC**

You're incredible, Beowulf! I can't thank you enough! I must shower you with more gifts! Here!

"Fortune Favors The Brave"

**ALL WARRIORS**

OH, OH,

FORTUNE FAVORS THE BRAVE

OH, OH

FORTUNE FAVORS THE BRAVE

**HROTHGAR**

YOU HAVE SWEPT TO GLORY,

YOU HAVE RID US OF THE THREAT

YOU KILLED GRENDEL AND HIS MOTHER

WE ARE ALWAYS IN YOUR DEBT

HE TORTURED US, HE PICKED US OFF,

HE ATE US ONE BY ONE

BUT YOU CAME AND HELPED US,

AND NOW HE'S DEAD AND DONE!

**DANES**

OH, OH

FORTUNE FAVORS THE BRAVE

**BEOWULF**

I'VE SAVED YOU DANES, I'VE HELPED YOU TWICE

YOU'VE GIVEN ME MANY LOVELY GIFTS

IT'S BEEN AWESOME HELPING YOU

BUT NOW WE SAIL TOWARD HOME CLIFFS!

_(BEOWULF and the GEAT WARRIORS climb aboard their ship and sail to the Geat land.)_

I SEIZED THE DAY

I BEAT THE BEAST

I'VE STAYED LOYAL

AND BRAVE AND STRONG

BUT I'M SO READY TO GO HOME

_(They reach home. BEOWULF and GEATS are greeted by HIGLAC and his wife. BEOWULF tells HIGLAC the story and HIGLAC gives him even _more_ gifts; specifically, a sword, 7,000 hides of land and inheritance to the Geat throne.)_

**GEATS**

FORTUNE FAVORS THE BRAVE

**HIGLAC**

_(whilst showering BEOWULF with more gifts)_

YOU'RE ALIVE, SO LET US REJOICE

YOU'VE COME HOME, SAFE AND SOUND

HAVE A SWORD AND SOME LAND

AND FOR FAME: YOU ARE RENOWNED!

NOTHING IS AN ACCIDENT

YOU WERE GIVEN STRENGTH AWESOME

YOU ARE SIMPLY A HERO

AND THE DANES YOU CAME BACK FROM

YOU'VE STAYED QUITE LOYAL TO ME

AND NOW YOU'RE BACK WHERE YOU BELONG

AND YOU'LL BE KING AFTER HERDRED

FORTUNE FAVORS THE STRONG

**GEAT WARRIORS**

OH, OH

**BEOWULF & HIGLAC**

FORTUNE FAVORS THE LOYAL!

**GEAT WARRIORS**

OH, OH

**ALL**

FORTUNE FAVORS THE BRAVE!

_(Blackout.)_

_**INTERMISSION**_

_**ACT II**_

**Scene 1 – Fifty Years Later**

"Beowulf is the Best"

**GEATS**

OH, OH, OH

BEOWULF'S BEEN OUR KING AND GOLD-FRIEND

FOR FIFTY YEARS

OH, OH, OH

HIGLAC HAS DIED, AND HERDERD'S GONE TOO

AND NEXT IN THE QUEUE

WAS OUR BEOWULF

YES, THE BEOWULF

IT'S LIKE A MESSAGE FROM HIGH ABOVE

OH, OH, OH

THAT BEOWULF'S THE KING THAT WE WILL

ETERNALLY LOVE . . .

BEOWULF IS THE BEST

AND UNDER HIM WE FEEL QUITE BLESSED

WE'RE AS SAFE AS SAFE CAN BE

**BEOWULF**

OTHER TRIBES STAY AWAY FROM ME

**GEATS**

BEOWULF IS THE BEST

THIS IS JOY THAT WE'VE EXPRESSED

THERE SIMPLY IS NO DEBATE

BEOWULF IS GREAT

OH, OH, OH,

OUR LIVES ARE RICH, AND WITHOUT A HITCH

OUR PLANS ALL GO

OH, OH, OH

**WIGLAF**

THERE ARE NO MONSTERS OR BATTLES

_(noticing everyone staring at him.)_

SORRY TO PRATTLE

**GEATS**

AND LIFE IS ALL GOOD

FITTING THAT IT SHOULD

BE, 'CAUSE BEOWULF TAKES CARE OF EVERYONE

OH, OH, OH

WHAT A FABULOUS PLACE OUR KINGDOM HAS NOW BECOME!

BEOWULF IS THE BEST

AND UNDER HIM WE FEEL QUITE BLESSED

WE'RE AS SAFE AS SAFE CAN BE

**BEOWULF**

OTHER TRIBES STAY AWAY FROM ME

**GEATS**

BEOWULF IS THE BEST

THIS IS JOY THAT WE'VE EXPRESSED

THERE SIMPLY IS NO DEBATE

BEOWULF IS GREAT

OH, OH, OH

BEOWULF MAKES ALL OUR LIVES FINE

AND VERY DANDY . . .

BEOWULF

BEOWULF

MAKES OUR LIVES FINE AND DANDY

BEOWULF IS THE BEST

AND UNDER HIM WE FEEL QUITE BLESSED

WE'RE AS SAFE AS SAFE CAN BE

**BEOWULF**

OTHER TRIBES STAY AWAY FROM ME

**GEATS**

BEOWULF IS THE BEST

THIS IS JOY THAT WE'VE EXPRESSED

THERE SIMPLY IS NO DEBATE

BEOWULF IS GREAT

BEOWULF IS GREAT!

BEOWULF IS GREAT!

BEOWULF IS GREAT!

**Scene 2 – Slave and Master**

_(A SLAVE runs onstage.)_

**MASTER**

_(Offstage)_

And if you do it again, you be dead!

**SLAVE**

_(out of breath)_

Jeez, who knew he hated Brussels sprouts that much? If I go back empty handed, he'll probably beat me again._(looking up) _And it's starting to rain. Just my luck. There's a cave. I can stay there until the weather lets up. _(enter cave, looking around, sees lots of treasure)_ Holy . . . Ha-ha! I've stumbled upon some kind of lost treasure! _(takes an ornate cup in his hands)_ Incredible! If I give this to my master, he'll surely ease up on me!

_(The SLAVE leaves the cave with the cup. As soon as he goes, a DRAGON enters after having a nice nap.)_

**DRAGON**

_(checking his treasure)_

17 crowns, check. 43 gold necklaces, check. Harry Potter action figure, check. 84 cups . . . I should have 85 . . ._ (recounts quickly)_ SOME ONE STOLE MY BEST JEWEL-ENCRUSTED GOLDEN CUP!

_(DRAGON exits cave, begins rampage on the Geat territory. Many GEATS try to run. DRAGON attacks.)_

"Who Stole The Cup?"

**DRAGON**

STOP, YOU ROBBERS -

YOUR LITTLE NUMBER'S UP

ONE OF YOU HAS STOLEN

MY PRECIOUS GOLDEN CUP.

I WILL NOW START SEARCHING,

PILLAGE AND RANSACK

I'LL GO THROUGH YOUR THINGS

'TIL I GET IT BACK!

**GEATS**

WHO'S THE THIEF?

WHO'S THE THIEF?

WHO'S THE THIEF?

WHO'S THE THEIF?

**DRAGON GEATS**

IS IT IN HERE? NO!

IS IT IN THERE? HELP!

ON A BOAT? AH!

WHERE'S MY CUP?

IN A HOUSE? NO!

UNDER A BED? HELP!

IN A TREE? AH!

WHERE'S MY CUP?

IN A BOX? NO!

WITH A FOX? HELP!

IN A PARK? AH!

WHERE . . .

**GEATS**

COULD IT BE? COULD IT BE?

COULD IT BE? COULD IT BE?

COULD IT BE? COULD IT BE?

**MASTER**

COULD IT POSSIBLY BE MY SLAVE?

YES, YES, YES!

**Scene 3 – What to do?**

_(BEOWULF enters, holding his sword and shield. It is a meeting with the WARRIORS.)_

**BEOWULF**

One of my subjects has stolen from the dragon, and now it's terrorizing my people! I must right this wrong-doing.

**WIGLAF**

But, my lord, you're kinda . . . old.

**BEOWULF**

I don't intend to live.

_(GEAT WARRIORS gasp.) _

**BEOWULF**

I've lived my life. I must protect my people. And if dying in battle isn't glory, I don't know what is. I'm ready. I still have most of my strength. Now, I just need a way to find the dragon's lair.

_(The MASTER enters, dragging his slave.)_

**MASTER**

I think I've solved your problems, Beowulf. This is the cretin who stole from the dragon. He will lead to you it's home.

**SLAVE**

I don't wanna die!

**MASTER**

Silence! Now, go.

_(SLAVE gulps, visibly frightened.)_

**SLAVE**

_(to WARRIORS and BEOWULF)_

R-right this w-w-way. _(exits)_

_(WARRIORS and BEOWULF follow.)_

**Scene 4 – One Last Battle**

_(The DRAGON'S cave looms. SLAVE, BEOWULF and WARRIORS enter.)_

**SLAVE**

It's right here.

**BEOWULF**

You have done your duty.

**SLAVE**  
I'm sorry. _(runs away.)_

_(BEOWULF takes a big breath.)_

**WIGLAF**

Surely, you'll make it out.

**BEOWULF**

Don't call me Shirley.

**WIGLAF**

We're all behind you. If you need help . . .

_(BEOWULF shakes his head.)_

**BEOWULF**

I have to do this alone.

_(He enters the cave, comes face to face with the DRAGON.)_

"Geat Pot Pie"

**DRAGON**

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

YOU DIDN'T KNOCK WHEN YOU ENTERED, BABY

YOU DIDN'T WIPE YOUR FEET

I DIDN'T SEE NO OPEN HOUSE SIGN

IS THIS A TRICK OR TREAT?

OO-OO-OO!

YOU NEED TO BRUSH UP ON FAIRYTALES, FRIEND

CAUSE DRAGONS LIKE THEIR SLEEP

I WROTE THE BOOK ON FIRE-BREATHING

WHY DON'T YOU READ IT AND WE-EE-EEP?

I'M GONNA SHAKE YOU!

I'M GONNA BAKE YOU

I'M GONNA MAKE YOU A GEAT POT PIE

SALISBURY STEAK YOU

I'LL FROSTED FLAKE YOU

I'LL PATTY-CAKE YOU, MY GEAT POT PIE

YEAH!

**BEOWULF **

Foul beast! I'll have you!

_(BEOWULF tries to attack the DRAGON. The DRAGON simply breathes fire on him and begins melting his shield. BEOWULF continues his fruitless attacks. The DRAGON knocks him around. BEOWULF falls.)_

**DRAGON**

HAHAHA. You failed! Now I'll eat you!

_(The GEAT WARRIORS peek their heads in to see how it's going. They register what's happening, squeal like small children and run away. WIGLAF remains.)_

**WIGLAF**

Guys, we should go help – _(he sees everyone gone.)_ Aw, c'mon guys. Cowards!

_(WIGLAF enters the fray, hitting the DRAGON with his sword. The DRAGON turns around and burns WIGLAF'S shield to a crisp.)_

**WIGLAF**

That ain't good. _(He hides behind BEOWULF'S partial shield.)_ Beloved Beowulf, remember how you boasted, once, that nothing in the world would ever destroy your fame: fight to keep it, now, be strong and brave, my noble king, protecting life and fame together. My sword will fight at your side!

**BEOWULF**

Where did that come from?

**WIGLAF**

It . . . just sorta popped into my head . . . Come on, Beowulf! We can defeat it!

**Scene 5 – Victory or Loss?**

_(Heartened, both BEOWULF and WIGLAF jump up. WIGLAF crosses behind the DRAGON. BEOWULF strikes the DRAGON with his sword, but it breaks.)_

**BEOWULF**

Why does that always happen to me!?!

**DRAGON**

ARHHH!

_(DRAGON charges BEOWULF, his fangs catch BEOWULF in the neck.)_

**WIGLAF**

Beowulf!

**BEOWULF**

Keep fighting!

_(WIGLAF drives his own sword into the DRAGON'S underbelly. The DRAGON screams in pain. BEOWULF jumps up and slices the DRAGON in half with his dagger. The DRAGON dies.)_

**WIGLAF**

Yes! Ha-ha! We did it! Beowulf?

_(BEOWULF lays on the ground, the poison is taking effect.)_

**WIGLAF**

Oh, no, Beowulf!

**BEOWULF**

Wiglaf, I'm dying.

**WIGLAF**

No!

**BEOWULF**

I don't have an heir . . . But you, you stayed to help me . . . The Geats need a good, strong king. Will you do it?

**WIGLAF**

Me?

**BEOWULF**

You are the best one . . . for the job.

**WIGLAF**

But, I . . .

**BEOWULF**

The beast is dead. The treasure belongs to the Geats. Let me see it.

_(WIGLAF lifts BEOWULF just enough to see the huge treasure pile.)_

**BEOWULF**

Prosperity for my people . . . They will be safe . . . Good.

_(BEOWULF is overcome by the venom from the DRAGON and dies.)_

"Loyalty (reprise)"

**WIGLAF**  
KEEP YOUR LOYALTY . . .

I HELPED YOU SLAY THE BEAST

I'VE KEPT MY LOYALTY

BUT NOW, MY KING, YOU ARE DECEASED . . .

_(He exits the cave to find the other WARRIORS standing outside, looking ashamed.)_

**WIGLAF**

Beowulf's dead. Are you happy?! You ran out like pusillanimous children when he needed you!

WHERE IS YOUR LOYALTY?

YOU'RE ALL ACTING LIKE COWARDS

WHERE WAS YOUR LOYALTY

WHEN YOUR KING WAS OVERPOWERED?

HE WAS LOSING IN THE FIGHT

YET YOU ALL RAN IN YOUR FRIGHT

I JUST HOPE YOU FEEL CONTRITE!

_(disgustedly)_

Chicken-hearted babies. You shall get none of this treasure. You don't deserve it. It will be buried with our king.

**Scene 6 – The Funeral**

_(A large funeral pyre is seen. BEOWULF'S body lies on it, his treasure around him. GEAT MOURNERS travel the stage, looking crestfallen. GEAT WARRIORS who ran still look ashamed. WIGLAF is leading a funeral procession. They lit the pyre. The ghosts of HROTHGAR and HIGLAC watch from higher scaffolding. BEOWULF'S spirit joins them and they all watch over the GEATS on one side of the stage and the DANES on the other. The fire dies and the GEATS bury BEOWULF'S treasure in a mound. All stay in place for finale.)_

**Scene 7 – Finale **

"Finale"

**GEATS**

WE ALL WILL MOURN OUR KING

NOW THAT HE IS DEAD AND GONE

NOW THERE IS NO SAFETY IN THE LAND

**WIGLAF**

Now that Beowulf is dead, many other tribes will attack us. Beowulf's last wishes were that the Geats would be rich and safe. But we rid ourselves of the treasure (it was cursed, anyway) and he cannot protect us. The outlook is bleak . . .

**ALL**

BEOWULF!

BEOWULF. . .

**BEOWULF**

I SIEZED THE DAY, I BEAT MANY BEASTS

**BEOWULF, HROTHGAR & HIGLAC**

I'VE STAYED LOYAL

**GEATS**

HE WAS A GEN'ROUS KING . . .

**WIGLAF**

FORTUNE FAVORS . . .

**WARRIORS**

FAVORS THE BRAVE

**GEATS**

WE ALL WILL MOURN OUR BEOWULF . . .

**ALL WARRIORS**

BEOWULF!

**ENSEMBLE**

BEOWULF!!

_**Fin.**_

Credits

"Springtime for Hitler"

From _The Producers _

Music by Mel Brooks

Lyrics by Mel Brooks

"Masquerade"

From _The Phantom of the Opera_

Music by Andrew Lloyd Webber

Lyrics by Charles Hart

"Belle"

From Disney's _Beauty and the Beast _

Music by Alan Menken

Lyrics by Howard Ashman, Tim Rice

"Voice Mail # 4"

From _RENT _

Music by Jonathan Larson

Lyrics by Jonathan Larson

"Positive"

From _Legally Blonde: The Musical _

Music by Laurence O'Keefe, Nell Benjamin

Lyrics by Laurence O'Keefe, Nell Benjamin

"Ding, Dong, the Witch is Dead"

From _The Wizard of Oz _

Music by Harold Arlen

Lyrics by E. Y. Harburg

"Fortune Favors the Brave"

From _Aida_

Music by Elton John

Lyrics by Tim Rice

"Good Morning, Baltimore"

From _Hairspray_

Music by Marc Shaiman

Lyrics by Scott Wittman, Marc Shaiman

"Who's the Thief?"

From _Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat_

Music by Andrew Lloyd Webber

Lyrics by Tim Rice

"Donkey Pot Pie"

From _Shrek the Musical_

Music by Jeanine Tesori

Lyrics by David Lindsey-Abaire

"Finale"

From_ Wicked_

Music by Stephen Schwartz

Lyrics by Stephen Schwartz


End file.
